Start with Yourself: The Foundation of Teaching Emotional Regulation
As parents, we often focus on guiding our kids without realizing the most powerful teaching tool is us. Kids constantly observe how we navigate stress, frustration, or disappointment, and they mimic what they see. This doesn’t require perfection—spoiler: no one is—but being mindful of your reactions can deeply influence how they shape their own responses.
For each section, we’ll include reflective questions. Take a moment to jot down your thoughts—it’s a great way to pause, process, and connect with the content.
1.Modeling Healthy Self-regulation
Picture this: It’s the morning rush. You’re juggling breakfast, backpacks, and an endless to-do list, and your child refuses to put on their shoes. Frustration surges.
Instead of snapping, you pause, inhale deeply, and say, “I feel frustrated because we’re running late. I’ll take a moment to breathe so I can think clearly.” Then, you crouch down, maintain a calm tone, and assist your child with their shoes.
This approach showcases several things:
- Feeling frustrated is part of being human.
- Emotions can be managed without lashing out.
- Taking a moment to recalibrate helps you respond thoughtfully.
Alternatively, if you yell, “Why won’t you just listen? We’re going to be late because of you!” your child might feel overwhelmed, blamed, or even fearful. This can make it harder for them to learn to handle their own emotions.
Reflective Questions:
- When frustration flares, how do you typically respond?
- What’s one small adjustment you can make next time to exhibit calmness?
2.Create a Safe Space for Emotions
Children need to know their emotions—no matter how enormous or fleeting—are valid. Dismissing their feelings with phrases like, “You’ll be fine, it’s not a big deal,” can teach them to suppress rather than understand and express themselves. Instead, cultivate an environment where they feel safe to express emotions without fear of dismissal.
Validating Their Emotions
Your child wails in frustration because their block tower collapses. Rather than saying, “Don’t cry, it’s just a tower,” you might say, “I can see that you’re upset because your tower fell. That feels frustrating. Do you want help rebuilding it, or would you rather take a break?”
By naming their emotion (“frustrated”) and offering solutions (“help rebuilding or taking a break”), you demonstrate that emotions are manageable, normal, and solvable.
If instead you dismiss their feelings, they might internalize the idea that their emotions are unimportant, making them less likely to share or process in the future.
Reflective Questions:
- When your child expresses big emotions, do you acknowledge and validate them?
- How could you use descriptive language to help your child identify and articulate their feelings?
3. Self-regulation Tools and Techniques
Equipping your child with specific strategies can transform emotional management into an achievable skill. These tools provide tangible ways for kids to regain control when emotions feel overwhelming.
Technique 1: Teaching Deep Breathing Techniques
Deep breathing can soothe nerves and stabilize emotions. Turning it into a playful activity keeps kids engaged.
How It Works
Ask your child to imagine blowing up a balloon. Inhale deeply through the nose for three seconds, then exhale slowly as though inflating an enormous, colorful balloon. Encourage them to pick the balloon’s color and size to make the activity more interactive.
Technique 2: The Calm-Down Jar: A Visual Anchor
A calm-down jar provides a mesmerizing way to visualize emotions settling, helping children steady themselves.
How It Works:
- Use a clear jar filled with warm water, glitter glue, and loose glitter in vibrant colors. Seal the jar tightly.
- When your child feels overwhelmed, have them shake the jar. Encourage them to sit and watch the glitter swirl and slowly settle as they breathe deeply.
Why It Resonates:
The swirling glitter mirrors chaotic emotions, while the settling glitter represents calm returning with patience and effort.
Example in Action:
When your child is frustrated because a sibling took their toy, hand them the jar and say, “Let’s shake this up together. Watch the glitter settle while we take some deep breaths, and then we’ll figure out how to solve the toy problem.”
4. Celebrate Small Victories
Celebrate small victories, like when your child takes a breath instead of yelling, or when you successfully pause instead of reacting impulsively.
Reflective Questions:
- How do you typically handle your child’s big emotions?
- What’s one tool or phrase you can introduce this week to support them better?
- How can you give yourself permission to learn and grow alongside your child?